Monday, December 8
  SwampCity has moved Please go here. 
Friday, December 5
  "You have to be careful about breathing too hard"... The former fist-lady and her husband are up for grammies for the audio version of Living History and Peter and the Wolf. Guess it takes a village of ghostwriters to get a Grammy nod. Sen. Clinton, Ex-President Up for Grammys [Yahoo] 
  Filling The Lloyd Void "Speaking of dead, is anyone reading Lloyd Grove's column in the New York Daily News?" The Washingtonian reports that the search for a new Reliable Source has ended. Richard Leiby will be taking over Lloyd Grove's old column at The Washington Post. Employees at The Post met the news with "puzzlement and a bit of shock." Leiby has been a reporter for the paper since 1991, but insiders say that he has little experience with the social, cultural and politics outlets that a gossip columnist needs. And few contacts. More problematic might be his fascinations with Scientology and conspiracy theories but at least he's self-deprecating. We'll hold off judgment til he gets started, but a new headshot definitely wouldn't hurt his chances at success. Washington BUZZ [Washingtonian] 
  Cat Fight! Babes Against Bush is not the only group of ladies who have strong feelings about our President. Babes for Bush has its own website and T-shirts to boot. Is it ironic that the stripper girls over at Babes against bush look like they'd be much in favor of it than than the more sedate girls over at Babes for bush? Oh. Is it just me? 
Thursday, December 4
  Wishful Thinking? Howard Dean on Hardball, December 1:
The Soviet Union is supplying much of the equipment that Iran, I believe, most likely is using to set itself along the path of developing nuclear weapons. We need to use that leverage with the Soviet Union and it may require us to buying the equipment the Soviet Union was ultimately going to sell to Iran to prevent Iran from them developing nuclear weapons. That is also a country that must not be allowed to develop nuclear weapons much the key to all this is foresight. Let's act now so we don't have to have a confrontation which may result in force, which would be very disastrous in the case of North Korea and might be disastrous in the case of Iran.
Howie. Baby. You can't go back to the U.S.S.R. It's over. The rest of us call what's left of it Russia.  
  It's Time To Put The Pleasure Back Into Liberal Politics! In another great advance for women's rights, Babes Against Bush are selling a pin-up calendar to defeat Bush's reelection.
For only $11.00 (plus $1.95 shipping), you too can experience the thrill of thirteen socially-conscious, stunningly-attractive young women escorting you through the weeks and months until inauguration day in January, 2005 - when America finally gets a real president again.
Buy Calendars! Stop the evil Bush from preventing women from having sex with him in the Oval Office.  
  Pier Review Singer Bryan Adams spent an hour photographing a cashmere and velvet clad Hillary Clinton at Chelsea Piers Tuesday. At one point, Clinton decided to turn the tables, saying: "Bryan, hand me the camera so I can take your picture." The singer/photographer has also taken shots of Sarah Jessica Parker and Nan Kempner for the book he's working on. Just curious, is it going to be a compilation of famous ugly people titled "The only thing that looks good on me is you"? Something Borrowed, Something Cashmere [NYDN] 
  Always The Last To Know Barbara Bush tells Cindy Adams that while her son ran off to Baghdad to hang with the troops, she and H.W. were waiting at the table in Crawford for him. Also mentioned that her husband often reminds her that she's getting old and small. As if she didn't notice that herself. REHAB MAY CURE LOVE'S LEGAL WOES [NYP] 
  Foul Play The beautiful bird that Bush displayed for the troops in Iraq was meant to adorn the buffet line, not to be eaten. Bush soon apologized, saying: Sorry Stars, I promised you wouldn't be eaten this year. Never said anything about you being roasted to a beautiful golden brown. The Bird Was Perfect But Not For Dinner [WashPost] 
  Did Clark Call the Attorney General A Fattie? Wesley Clark, on whether NY AG Eliot Spitzer would make a good running mate:
Well, I certainly would consider it... He's a very smart, capable guy and he's multidimensional.
Clark Says He'd Consider Spitzer for Role in His Administration [NYTimes] 
Wednesday, December 3
  Ain't That The Truth? Howard Dean directing reporters to talk to his attorney about his GOV redords: "All I'm going to do is say things that I will be sorry I said later. " Talk to my attorney, Dean says on papers [ChTribune]  
  NYC Boat Plan Sinks Yesterday, Tom Delay called NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg to let him know that the GOP would not be using a cruise ship as a "floating entertainment palace" during the GOP convention in New York next year. At least the Majority Leader can admit when he's wrong. I mean, there are bad ideas, and then there's gathering every Republican in New York City in one place with no emergency escape route. Can you say "floating death palace"? GOP Bows to Pier Pressure [NYDN] 
  Not So Secret Agent The notorious former ambassador Joe Wilson and his CIA wife Valerie Plame have been forced to make major adjustments since she was outed as a spy by Bob Novak. They have made major compromises - like arriving at events seperately, waiting until photographers have left, and posing for Vanity Fair. Both Wilsons will be appearing in the January issue of VF, although Valerie will be hiding her face behind a newspaper and stylish sunglasses. The outing of her status as a CIA agent has not stopped Valerie from going out in public. She was at the National Press Club in October when her husband received a "truth telling award" and wept from the podium, saying "If I could give you back your anonymity . . ." I'd be a lot less famous. As it turns out, Valerie hadn't planned on becoming a secret agent, but since her husband face always blocked hers in photographs, she figured she was already halfway there. According to Joe, "She's still not going to answer any questions and there will not be any pictures that compromise her." Unless Playboy makes a really good offer. CIA Agent Valerie Plame Goes Undercover In Vanity Fair [WashPost] 
  Eat Me!
PETA has launched its own candidate for 2004: Chris P. Carrot. Talk about self-sacrifice:
Can other candidates honestly say, as I can, that they would gladly lay down their very lives to defend against free radicals?
Maybe we should be worried. Who knows what Dennis Kucinich will do to meet that challenge? More Carrot: "I will put healthy vegetables in every pot and lunchbox, allowing every citizen to set off to work or school with a clear conscience." Carrot's got my vote. As long as he sticks some roast beef in there too. Chris P Carrot for President [Carrot2004] 
  Oops! I Did It Again What a great headline: MP 'sorry' over underpants photo Rhondda Labour MP Chris Bryant is an openly gay politician and former clergyman. Using the alias alfa101, he put half-naked pictures of himself on Gaydar. He's landed himself in a bit of hot water in his conservative district, but I think Gran Nettie Price got it spot on: "What a pillock. You’d think he could get a better pair of pants. This will make him a laughing stock.” Really. They're not even clean. You'd think famous people could at least make themselves look decent before masterminding their own demise. But I guess that's just asking too much. I'd love a good, long ****[TheSun] 
  Here's Dick... For those of you who didn't see Dick Gephardt (D-Mo.) in all his glory yesterday. 
Tuesday, December 2
  Why Didn't I Think Of That? District health officials are planning to install condom dispensers in select government offices. Is this an attempt to shrink government by not letting public employees reproduce? District To Offer Condoms For Free [WashPost] 
  Bush Haters? Lloyd Grove needs to stop letting PR people write his gossip column. He's gone from shilling for PETA to rescuing liberal damsels in distress. He's using his powers for evil. Gossip columns aren't supposed to save people's reputations. Yesterday Matt Drudge reported that "top Hollywood activists and intellectuals are planning to gather this week in Beverly Hills for an event billed as 'Hate Bush.'" Today both The New York Post and The NY Daily News picked up the item. Page Six reiterated Drudge's story: "Laurie (wife of Seinfeld creator Larry David), an avid environmentalist, caused a stir when she forwarded invites with the e-mail heading, 'Hate Bush 12/2 Event.'" Grove, however, got a personal call from Mrs. David and explains that the beleagered woman was "subject to a barrage 'of ugly messages.'" Poor thing. She denies having written the email, so Grove pins the blame on some unidentified culprit who conveniently called the NY Post:
"This is all very unfortunate," the man told me, saying he lives somewhere in the Midwest but declining to reveal his name. Laurie David should not be held responsible."
This would all seem alot more believable if Lowdown's next item didn't claim that Abercrombie & Fitch voluntarily pulled their controversial magazine to make room for "a new A&F fragrance." Right before the busiest shopping day of the year. As if. Hollywood Dems Gather For 'Hate Bush' Meeting [Drudge] Big Night For Dubya Detesters [NYP] It's David vs. gossip Goliath [NYDN] 
  Meetings with Mental Midgets Wesley Clark held a "90-minute policy meeting" with Madonna in her LA home. Perhaps his campaign is wavering because he asks celebrities for political advice. He's also met with Bennifer, Steven Spieldberg and Norman Lear. [Ed. - Note to Wes: Whatever you do, don't take Madge on as spiritual advisor. Even if she promises you one of those snazzy red bracelets] Page Six [NYP] 
  For The Too Much Information File Gerard Schroder's wife Doris has told the London Telegraph the dirty secret of the European alliance. Apparently the German leader feeds his habit late at night and chats openly with Jacques Chirac about it:
"The French president is an expert on sumo. The two of them always talk about it when they meet."
Doris, some things are better left unsaid. Heavyweights of Europe are gripped by sumo [Telegraph] 
  Green Team Politics1 reports that Ralph Nader is throwing his hat in the ring for the 2004 Presidential election. This time around he is running as an Independent instead of a Green. Nader was overheard saying, 'Now, the Democrats will have no one to blame for spoiling the election for them. Except me again.' HE'S BAAAACK! [Politics1] 
  Unknown unknowns Who says the Brits don't have an affinity for Bush's administration? Britain's Plain English Campaign just gave Donald Rumsfeld an award. He got this year's "Foot in Mouth" award for this statement:
"There are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."
Rumsfeld Ramble Wins 'Foot in Mouth' Award [Yahoo] 
  Inner Monologues. Use Them.
Amusing Salon article on Monica's GQ spread by Rebecca Traister yesterday:
"I'd always found what happened to Monica Lewinsky very sad on a personal level. It was as if she became a burlesque embodiment of all of the nightmare fears of my own phylum: the young urban woman. For the first time, I say: Cry me a freakin' river. Mostly, what Monica has done with her time as a grown-up is betray all of us who were empathizing with her, who were feeling some small percentage of her pain, who were just waiting for her to prove to the world that she was more than a set of wet lips and a beret. And she did this by adamantly refusing to do anything but dwell on that one time that she went down on the president."
Though, I do have a bit of trouble trusting anyone who has that much in common with Monica:
"I've always rooted for the former intern because she paid a hefty price for the same kind of dumb mistake all my friends and I have made... In fact, the only real difference between my personal gestalt and Monica Lewinsky's is that mine was not formed while fellating a sitting president of the United States."
That's a bit frightening. Who were you fellating when you formed your own personal gestalt, Rebecca? Get off your knees, Monica [Salon]  
Monday, December 1
  Sleep It Off Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) "takes a breather" last week during a press-conference on the Medicare bill. Looks like Teddy might have had one too many whiskeys at lunch. I guess someone gave away all his KGB pills to cute girls. Photo of the Week [RollCall]  
  Dang Looks like Wesley Clark was out shooting the night before Thanksgiving:
"I didn't have as much practice skiing as the governor did. He was out there skiing when I was recovering from my wounds in Vietnam."
Clark Takes on Dean's Vietnam Deferment [AP] 
  Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth Joan Jett might be going straight from The Rocky Horror Picture Show to Boston. Howard Dean nominated the singer as a national convention delegate. If she is elected during New York's March 2 presidential primary, she would attend next summer's Democratic National Convention as Dean's delegate. Says Jett:
"I am a virgin here. I'm stepping into new territory. It's very exciting. I want to learn a lot and try to pay attention."
Lucky for her, first timers at conventions get better treatment than those at Rocky Horror shows. USATODAY.com - Rocker Joan Jett a Howard Dean delegate 
  USAID When Howard Dean does something right, Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) proves he can take it a step too far. Trying to piggyback on Dean's success with mobilizing the youth movement through the internet, Kucinich is trying to get some play himself. Along with dating the candidate, now you can snag one of his interns. The Ohio whirlwind has launched operation Adopt-An-Intern. The interns had wanted to make it to a vibrant and thriving campaign but, for whatever stroke of bad luck, they got stuck in Cleveland. For the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can have a hand in keeping these unfortunate interns alive. Like a starving child in Ethopia, the interns will be grateful for your donation. "The intern you 'adopt' will write and call, depending on your level of support." Are you lonely? The interns can email, call you at home and send postcards from exotic Cleveland, Ohio. Why deal with pesky telemarketers for free when a Kucinich intern will bother you at home for only pennies a month? Adopt-An-Intern [Kucinich4President] 
  Wink Wink Apparently Theresa Heinz Kerry wasn't making eyes at Al Sharpton during the candidates' tour through Iowa and New Hampshire like we had hoped. She recently had Lasik surgery and one of her corneas wasn't healing correctly. Aw shucks. I thought those two lovebirds really had a shot at making things work. Eavesdropping [BostonHerald] 
  Too Bad He Won Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) seems to be having trouble staying on his staff's good side. Someone seemed to misplace a strtegic word in the bio handed out at a speech this month. The result?
"In 1998, unfortunately, Schumer became New York's junior senator."
"Mr. Schumer's biographer in Boston intended to insert a word bemoaning the senator's admiration for the New York Yankees, but the word was inserted in the wrong sentence." Sure he did. I think we got the message loud and clear.   12/01/2003 07:33:00 AM
Wednesday, November 26
  Tastes Great! Less filling! Jones Soda Co. has come out with a new soda flavor: Turkey and Gravy. Even though the CEO can't even handle a whole bottle, the flavor sold out almost immediately. Here's a description:
"The liquid's ominous, murky brown color accurately warns consumers about the taste. The first sips bring a mix of sweet caramel and savory lard -- and it's downhill from there."
Tasty! Thanksgiving in a bottle [Mercury News] 
  First Stud As the Neil Bush divorce saga continues, we learn that the president's brother stays at some pretty swank hotels - complete with room service, dry cleaning, and sexual services. Apparently, Neil "made whoopee with a string of women in hotels in Hong Kong and Thailand in the late 1990s." Brother Bush claims the women knocked on his hotel door and he just didn't have the heart to turn them away. He doesn't know if they were prostitutes "because they never asked for money and they got none from him." Brother Bush a babe magnet [NYDN] 
  Accident Prone Office Last week Tom Delay's (R-Tex) communications director Stuart Roy almost got beheaded by a pitchfork. Since Delay writes all his own stuff, speech writer Michael Connolly has the luxury of getting to the office in the afternoon. Earlier in the week, he managed to crash into a moving barricade outside Rayburn when he was strolling in around noon. To his defense, the security guard did waved him on, but he should ask Roy for some help with PR. Pitchforks are way cooler than roadblocks.  
  A Match Made In Crunchy Heaven Don't forget to take part in the second round of voting to find the perfect Mrs. Kucinich. You may be responsible for finding the First Lady for a man who will never be elected president. My vote's going to Tammy. With that funky fog effect, you can really tell she makes a great living as a graphic designer. Vote early. Vote often. Photo Primary [PoliticsNH]  
Tuesday, November 25
  How To Tell Your Religion's Fake 5. Is your religion based in paranoia? 4. Are you and all of your celebrity friends the only members? 3. Did you have to drop your agent so that you could afford to remain a member? 2. Is Madonna considered a spiritual and moral leader? 1. When someone asks you about a real religion, do you say, "What's that? Is it like Kabbalah?" Well, Philip Berg, the man behind the latest religo-fad, has lost his bid to patent the red string that his devotees wear. Come on Phil, can't you find better ways to feed off celebutantes than branding string as "religious articles"? It's like you didn't even try. Kabbalah Red String [The Smoking Gun] 
  Always Look Under The Stall For Feet According to Drudge and National Journal, while some John Kerry staffers have jumped ship and others are cruising on vacations, those that remain have "recklessly strategized" about the campaign in Iowa bars. They spouted off about how Kerry used to use a "thick accent when cameras were around to sound like JFK." They also said that Kerry should -- and will -- use a motorcycle for campaigning more often." Let's hope they were drunk. 
  Wes Goes To Washington Wesley Clark is coming to town for two fundraisers next Thursday, Dec. 4. One will be held at the Woman's National Democratic Club Reception and the second will be held at Club 1223. The club event will feature a performance by Better Than Ezra and allow Wes "to show his 'hip' factor." Ooh. More black turtlenecks. I can't wait. Better Than Wesley [RollCall] 
  The Motherly Thing's Not Working... Joan Vennochi tries to explain the conundrum of Carol Mosely Braun's campaign in the Boston Globe today: "While there is merit to the view that female politicians have a tough time in national politics, it does not entirely explain Moseley Braun's low standing in this race. Her candidacy also says something about the weakness of the field of female politicians able to launch national campaigns." Maybe, but I think it's because she never brings enough cupcakes to go around at the debates. Boston.com / A bold but clouded candidacy [BGlobe] 
  Is this Clarice? Why, hello Clarice. Former US Ambassador to the United Nations Richard Holbrooke is not pleased with Robert McNamara - who served as secretary of defense under Lyndon Johnson. Holbrooke screened The Fog of War, the documentary about McNamara, and expressed his disdain for the secretary's handling of Vietnam, comparing McNamara to Hannibal Lecter. He said: "McNamara killed more people than Lecter ever did." Sweetie. Hannibal Lecter's not real. He's a fictional character. Like Mickey Mouse. But with more angst. War Declared [NYP] 
  Sorry Folks ...But the kids at HBO have decided not to renew for a second season K Street. [Ed. - I wonder why? It was so riveting] Looks like residents of the District will have to find a new route to cameos on Home Box Office. I still don't recommend this, though. VOTED OFF THE AIR [E!online] 
  And They're Off Nine people dressed as the Democratic presidential candidates rode furry ostriches to kick off the presidential debate yesterday. James Hamilton explained: "We're here dressed as ostriches because . . . all of the candidates have their head in the sand." [Ed. - Is it safe to ride ostriches?] And, is having a polka named after you going to help or hurt your campaign? Ostriches, polka music add to houpla in D.M. [DesMoinesRegister] 
  Give Him A Gold Star This is a bit off topic, but I need to reward Joe Millionare's David Smith for the best kiss off ever. After thinking so hard smoke nearly came out of his ears, he came up with this winner:
"I don't mean this bad, but, like, I didn't choose you."
Ah, reality TV with Eurotrash and dumb cowboys. What will they think of next? 'Joe Millionaire' Chooses Linda, Not Cat  
Monday, November 24
  Keep On Gobbling, Don't Stop I've gotta say, I've never understood the annual Presidential Turkey Pardoning ceremony. I find all the "subtle" inuendo a bit sickening. This year's escapees were almost named Pumpkin and Cranberries, but those names lost out to Stars and Stripes in a "neck-to-neck" race. Now these porkers are off to waddle in peace at a petting zoo named Frying Pan Park. Somebody make it stop. As if turkeys that fat will live long enough to appreciate their pardons anyway. I sort of wonder if the corral of pardoned turkeys has been empty since the ceremony started. Can those fatties even walk? Besides. This is just undignified. President Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey [CNN] 
  That's Gotta Hurt Robert Haines, the first candidate to file for the New Hampshire primary, has had a turbulent relationship with the law. In 1994, he tackled a gunman who targetted President Clinton. His temporary hero status was cut short, however, when he pulled a gun on a man during his 1996 campaign. And now, Haines' current campaign has run into some trouble. It seems the gun-toting Texan landed himself in jail last week for violating parole. You've got to give it to him, though. The man's a trooper. He used his phone call to let The Associated Press know that his campaign would stay strong despite the candidate being behind bars. [Ed. - His PR is almost as convincing as John Kerry's] Robert E. "Bob" Haines (New Hampshire) [Politics1] 
  Born To Ski "In the winter of 1970, a 21-year-old student from Yale walked into his armed services physical in New York carrying X-rays and a letter from his orthopedist, eager to know whether a back condition might keep him out of the military draft." Conveniently, the condition didn't get in the way of his skiing, or stop him from pouring concrete in the summer and washing dishes in the winter. Asked about his military physical, Howard Dean conceded: "I guess that's probably true. "I mean, I was in no hurry to get into the military." His mother, Andree Maitland Dean, was a little more upfront: "Yeah, that looks bad." However, she explained that his condition was aggravated by certain kinds of physical activity, but not others. It is aggravated by certain kinds of physical activity but not all kinds. How convenient. 33 Years Later, Draft Becomes Topic for Dean [NYT] 
  Crappity There's no one in the Senate who cares more about pronunciation than Sen. Mike Crapo. He's had to say "Ha-ha. It's pronounced Cray-poe," so many times that he has a section of his website devoted to saying the name correctly. (It's French) Now he's trying to save others from the same fate. Residents of "Crapo Street" in Michigan are trying to get the name of their street changed. Sen. Crapo has suggested changing the name to "Gov. Crapo Street" in honor of the man it was named for. Don't know if that will make the jokes stop, but at least people will make fun of the Governor now, instead of the residents of his street. Sen. Crapo Weighs In on Naming Flap [RollCall] 
  ...But Who Shot JR?
"Sue Ellen, you're not a wife, you're not a mother, and you sure as hell are not a Ewing!"
-JR Ewing
The turmoils of the extended Bush family are reading more and more like a juicy season of Dallas. President Bush's younger brother and his wife, Neil and Sharon Bush, have been going through a messy divorce. Now, Neil is planning to wed his girlfriend - also a divorcee - Maria Andrews. According to a friend of Sharon's:
"They filed for divorce on the same day [as the Bush filing]. Isn't it romantic?"
Even better, Sharon claims that Neil is the father of Maria and Robert Andrew's 18-month-old son. Thanksgiving Turkey [NYDN] 
  R-O-C-K in the U-K! Looks like W was partying hard in the United Kingdom. Like a gaggle of '80s rock stars out of cheap booze and coke, Bush's entourage trashed Buckingham Palace during their visit. Of course, President Bush has left his drinking days behind him, so the damage was a bit different than your average groupie bashing session at a hotel. This has got to be my favorite:
"The Queen's own flock of flamingoes, which security staff insisted should be moved in case they flew into the helicopter rotors, are thought to be so traumatised after being taken to a "place of safety" that they might never return home."
Flamingoes? GROUND FARCE 1 [Via Drudge] 
Friday, November 21
  Wise Words? Michael Dukakis on the Democratic presidential candidates at University of New Hampshire : "If I knew anything about presidential politics, I'd be here in a different capacity." [Ed. - Maybe you should share that info with Al Gore] Dukakis also thinks he has a handle on why he lost in '88. He said he had "not developed a strategy to deal with attacks" by George Bush. Oh sweetie, why are you giving George all the credit? You did that all on your own. I promise. Dukakis recalls ‘crazy’ days on campaign trail [AP] 
  Sole Searching Kenneth Cole is in town promoting his new book: Footnotes: What You Stand For Is More Important Than What You Stand In. In Georgetown, he said he plans to "burden people with my perspective as long as I can do it." And black. Lots of black. Though he admits that his book is a "little self-indulgent" he decided to bless us with it anyway. Because nothing makes you more qualified to sound off about politics than making shoes.  
  Crawl Down U Street 7P is just too early for a respectable pub crawl, but you can always meet up with Ban The Ban in Adams Morgan later tonight. I think two nights in a row in AM might kill me, but if drinking for the right to smoke is wrong, I don't wanna be right. If I drop during the night, don't worry. Just go on without me. Pub Crawl Down U Street [BTB] 
  The Clan's Jowels Kennedys really don't age well, do they? This is a renedering of what JFK would look like at 86. I guess it explains why Kennedys don't normally make it to a ripe old age. Their rugged good looks don't seem to withstand the tests of time. JFK AT 86 [NYP] 
  King Of Peds The thing about Michael Jackson is, you just really can't make up anything weirder than the truth. Where's My Nose? [TheSmokingGun] 
Thursday, November 20
  It's Just Not Right National Journal posted a link to Jackson's surrender.  
  Bowtied Bandit Speaks Up Tucker Carlson, on James Carville's appearance in People: "If there was ever a moment that demanded a recount, it's this. ... If James, whom I love, is considered one of the world's sexiest men, it just shows I'm profoundly ignorant about what women want." This breaks one of my cardinal rules - never trust a man in a bowtie unless he's under 10 or over 60 - but I've got to say, the Tucker's got a point.  
  See Wes Talk. See Was Walk. See Wes Run. Wesley Clark knows how to use the subway. He's been on it "dozens of times." [Ed. - Not since Metrocards] Wes Clark can pretend to talk to someone on his cellphone while shooting off campaign slogans. Wes Clark likes bagels. And pushups. He knows what a "blog" is. How do I know? Because I just watched Reality TV. Oh wait, the opposite: The WesCam. How did we ever get by without it? WesCam[Clark04] 
  Hot By Association We finally have an answer to the question everyone's been asking. Does proximity to George Clooney make you hotter? Well, DC has been looking a little less shabby since the Hollywood heartthrob starting filming K Street here. And, I did feel a lot hotter when I was standing next to George at the premiere. [Ed. - Though that may have been the heat lamp keeping the roast beef warm...] But now we have empirical evidence. James Carville has been included in People Magazine's "Sexiest Men" issue - hitting newsstands tomorrow. According to Mary Matalin, he is "Sexy in black tie and hot, hot in jeans with no pot belly!" [Ed. - Bleh] According to us, he is an alien. You be the judge:  
  Swamp Sighting Sharing Wolf Blitzer's season tickets last night at the Wizard's game was Congressman Rahm Emmanuel (D-IL) - former Clinton fundraiser and senior advisor. Wolf and the Chicago Democrat saw Cleveland Rookie LeBron James pour in 28 points, his career high. We think Wolf had originally invited Cleveland-area congressman Dennis Kucinich to see his Cavaliers play, but the former boy mayor was out searching for Ms. Right. Swamp Sightings apear when you write me. Send recent stalkings sightings to swampbuzz@hotmail.com 
Wednesday, November 19
  Stevens Smash! This picture intrigues me. The carboard Hulk that Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) had at his 80th birthday party yesterday seems to be attacking his staffer. But that's not all. Stevens had his face super imposed on the hulk's body [Ed. - Bwuah. Scary.] As disturbing as the image is, it seems to have convinced the reporter in the front row, who is holding his microphone up to the Stevens Hulk, waiting for words of wisdom on the environment. And in case you're wondering, the Hulk's dialogue bubble reads: ARRGHHH...80 YEARS...AND STILL THE TOUGHEST *#$% IN THE SENATE...HULK MUST USE POWER FOR GOOD...FOR ALASKA...FOR AMERICA (and for cake...mmn) GREEN PARTY [RollCall] 
  Aw... It looks like Bill Clinton spokesperson rumors were false. He won't be hawking suits for a Chinese menswear outlet. Also, he did not star in ads for a Chinese alcoholic rice drink. President Clinton was in China to talk about his work against 'AIDS.' Well that's no fun. I thought President Clinton was gonna be a whole new kind of FPOTUS, breaking out of the box and whatnot. But no, he's just going to work to 'end disease' and establish 'world peace.' Blah blah blah. That's what Jimmy Carter's for. NO MODEL CONTRACT FOR CLINTON [BritVogue] 
  Swamp Sighting Last night, Rep. Ric Keller (R-Fla.) and his wife at the Flip Orley comic-hypnotist show at The Improv. A short squabble over which one of them would embarass themselves onstage proved fruitless. They watched from the third row and skipped out before the show ended. Swamp Sightings are submitted by readers. Send stories of stalking your favorite DC politicos to swampbuzz@hotmail.com  
  Uma Advice Uma Thurman is trying to lure George W. out of office with some shuga. "He should have his own show," she told GQ magazine. "He's a very charismatic guy. He's funny." Is showbiz worth giving up the plush digs at 1600 Penn? It's a bit of wishful thinking on Miss Uma's part. Hoping he'll be good at something: "I really wish he wasn't running the country. ...I didn't want him to be elected, but I hoped he wouldn't do a bad job. I have to say it's been less than impressive." Nasal-gazers focus on UMA [NYDN] 
  Skating In The Garden Despite the warm and swampy weather today, the holiday season has begun. Outdoor ice skating at the National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden has re-opened through March 14, 2004. Perhaps wait until the rink has gone from soup to solid before "reveling in the winter wonderland," but then feel free to enjoy hot chocolate and other treats at the adjacent Pavilion Cafe. Ice Skating Returns to Sculpture Garden [RollCall] 
Tuesday, November 18
  I Hate That Man, signed -Joe George W Howard Dean (D-VT) celebrated his 55th birthday at Capitol City Brewing Company last night. Here, the "other candidates" posted their disdain for the Deano on Blog for America. An endless source of amusement for Bloggers For America stems from posting under nasty pseudonyms like "Bill O'Reilly." If you cut out the shameless Dean boosting, there are some funny bits: Another flip flop by the governor I see. In prior campaign filing reports Dr. Dean said he was 54, and now you are reporting 55. When will it end? Posted by: John Kerry at November 17, 2003 12:07 PM | Link ---------------------------------- Just wanted to confirm my assertions that the governor is always angy. And I come to this blog and find it is indeed true. Just look at the expression on your candidates face in the picture for this thread. Pure anger. I, on the other hand, am a trial attorney who has learned to mask my emotions to pretend to be empathetic when I'm not, and to talk out of the side of my mouth when I need to say something I don't really believe in order to get elected. Posted by: John Edwards at November 17, 2003 12:10 PM | Link --------------------------------- You go Howard. You cut a better rug then many men half your age. By the way, any chance you can take me to the big dance with you. Enjoyed the JJ dinner swing we had. But would love the chance to be the first president/vice president combo to dance together at an inaugeration. Posted by: Carol Mosley Braun at November 17, 2003 12:17 PM | Link --------------------------------- Damn, Kerry beat me to pointing out the flip-flop on the age. Guess all I have left to say is that I am the son of a milk truck driver. Posted by: Richard Gephardt at November 17, 2003 12:22 PM | Link ================ Comment on Dean Supporters Celebrate Governor's 55th Birthday[BFA]  
  Fight! Fight! Fight! Rich Lowry used to talk about liberal sissies. Al Franken challenged him to a fight. Lowry declined, kept talking 'bout sissies. Franken slapped him with a white glove again. Now their taking it to the streets. Er, the web. Not as cool to watch as say Celebrity Death Match: Punditriffic!, but it should be interesting. I'll let you know when they start going at it on Spinsanity. (They have to read each other's books. It may be awhile) insult tally: panty mentions 2 references to political parties bosses boosting book sales 15 # of times a variation of lie used 16 promises of bloodshed 0 I don't know if I can watch... Lowry vs. Franken[NRO] 
  I Already Gots A Mom Presidential candidate Carol Moseley Braun has some great ideas for rebuilding Iraq:
"I would call our allies around the world and offer them all Krispy Kremes and make up and engage them in helping us to come out with honor." (Hardball)
Moseley Braun seems intent on running to be my mom instead of president. She'd like to teach the world to sing - with lots of comfort food.  
Monday, November 17
  The Real Money's in the Bathroom
Dear Al: I know that you like to be "up" on the new fangled technology all "the kids are playing with." It's great that you invented the internet for us. We've been using it alot. But do you think we're ready for a waterfree urinal? It's hard enough keeping our drunk friends from eating the urinal mint. Also, aren't you easy enough to make fun of without going into the urine business? Just wondering. Thanks, Meghan
Gore Signs On to New Campaign [Via Drudge] 
  Der... I dunno A resuscitation of K Street is looking unlikely. Ed Henry reports that HBO is looking for a way to back out of continuing the show next year. "We announced it as a 10-episode commitment and this is episode 10. We don't have any other commitments," says HBO spokesman Toby Becker. Washington politicos think differently. Co-creator Michael Deaversaid: "It's an HBO decision and I don't think they have talked to everybody that they need to talk to," like all the talking heads who are still miffed they didn't get to be on the show this season. "All I know if what I know, which is nothing," said Carville. At least he's honest. Farewell To Clooney [RollCall] 
  K Street, RIP If there was a moral in the Series Finale Season Finale of K Street, it was that looks can be deceiving. Pay attention to George Clooney, Danielsan. If you take his words to heart, you too can navigate the shadowy arteries of the Washington streets:
The seemingly normal guy is full of raging sex pathologies. The weird dude in pink is the only upstanding man in Washington [Ed - This is a red herring. No self-respecting Washingtonian wears pink]. The man who does not leave his apartment cannot be trusted. The sexy blond lesbian is a decoy for a bored neurotic girl nobody likes. The famous people have no idea who pays their bills.
Due to their ominous ties to evil Saudies, Mary J hit the lowest of lows. With their assets frozen, and their faces wracked with shame, the Carvilles were forced to go against their better judgement and throw an extremely gauch party. Amid tin foil warmers, they sold off Bergstrom Lowell's furniture and their children's artwork. They emptied their offices, hoping to leave the bad taste of K Street behind them forever. Unfortunately, just as they were left with responsibility for the failure of the firm, they'll still be in Washington when Clooney goes back to real entertainment in Hollywood. 
Friday, November 14
  Bwah. I wish Drudge would take this pic down. It's been up all day and it looks like Britney's melting. And I need her to keep it together if she's gonna make me watch her makeout with more female celebrities. Britney's TV Tears [Via Drudge] 
  Filibawho? Since my attention span lasts about as long as a SwampCity post, I thought I would pop in some highlights from the Senate filibuster, courtesy of National Journal (just didn't have the patience for 30 hours of C-SPAN2). Surprisingly, tired politicians are still less amusing than drunk ones. 3A: Rick Santorum (R-PA) reassures: "I've voted for the worst judges!" 12:30P: Hillary gives the Senate a lesson - with props - explaining the difference between apples and lemons. [Ed. Surprisingly, no one asks when she learned Bill was a lemon] 1:49P: Chris Dodd(D-CT) talks about asbestos. 1:50P: ZZzzzzzzzzz. 7:54P: The Senate erupts into laughter. Pat Leahy (D-VT) unwittingly links the humor to his joke - ""Lordy, lordy, lordy ... It's a Niagara Falls of tears. Crocodile tears!" Only upon returning to his seat does he see his zipper was at half mast. 9:38P: ZZzzzzzzzzzzZasbestoszzzzzzzzZzzzzzz 10:34P: Mary Landrieu (D-LA) throws temper tantrum when asked to yield: "I will not yield! I will not yield! I will not yield the floor!" When the Senate President asks if she's been reading Dr. Seuss drunk again, the Senator refused to answer, but slinked back to her seat and slyly stuck the flask underneath her copy of The Cat in the Hat. 9:48A.: At deadline, chair Gordon Smith calls for voting. Senators remove cardboard cutouts from chairs and look interested.  
  "I've been prophylactically opposed..." Metro officials are caving in to advertizing pressures. Trying to avert a $48 million shortfall in this year's budget. Some of the ideas include hanging banners, wrapping metro vehicles in advertizing, and signs on light poles. Best by far is the mini-movie that play on the walls of subway tunnels as you travel. Metro board members are not entirely pleased: "I love silence," said T. Dana Kauffman, who represents Fairfax and obviously hasn't ridden Metro in awhile. "I value what little quiet time I get." Carolyn Comerford, nixed the notion of wrapped buses and trains. "I kind of like the clean look," she said. Personally, I prefer the ka-ching sound in Metro's coiffers to result from ad money and not lead to the cloth rubbing together in my empty pocket. But maybe that's just me. Advertising Industry To Hitch Ride on Metro [WashPost] 
  Why Presidents Are Always Married
In a really bad reprise of Michael Douglas' The American President, Dennis Kucinich is using his campaign to spawn a reality show: "Who wants to be a First Lady." Today, the deranged Congressman from Ohio accepted his first date:
"I am very flattered by PoliticsNH's offer to provide an opportunity for me to meet one of the many dynamic women who have contacted their web site. The response over the past week has been amazing. Women really like the idea of a partnership in the White House with a shared commitment for peace and prosperity. We can work together to end war and to nurture all children.
And I thought that the Department of Peace was a bad idea. Will we get to see Dennis, in Joe Millionaire scenes?
"How do I know Eleanor loves me and not just the presidency?...Is Agnes in it for fame, or does she love me for me?...I can't believe that I'm lying to all these women. Will they still love me when they realize that I will never be President?"
I can't wait. 
Thursday, November 13
  Adieu Fair Redbox Oh Redbox. I feel like I just found you, and now you are gone.What will we do without you? What will dvd starved inebriates do without you to quench their thirst? Where will I go to fill my pockets with unneccessary household objects? You will me missed. Redbox, RIP [WashPost] 
  Drink. Smoke. Crawl. What better way to prove a point than by clouding up the many fine establishment on 18th Street while imbibing large quantities of drink? Ban the Ban is hosting a pub crawl on Friday in Adams Morgan.Meet up on 18th and Columbia. Or just follow the smoke cloud through the night. For if we do not smoke together, we will most assuredly smoke seperately. In the cold.  
  Isn't she suhweet? At a domestic violence conference in October, Maryland first lady Kendel Ehrlich said that if she could "shoot Britney Spears, I think I would." It's good to see that Britney is taking the high road: "She probably needs to get laid," the media darling told Entertainment Weekly. Britney's 21 now and you can tell she's all grown up because she's not just a puppet anymore. No one can make her dress like a tramp and act stupid anymore. She can do that on her own. New York Post Online Edition: gossip 
  Small Clothing Manufacturer Seeks "Worldwide Charisma" Fapai Xifu Co., an eastern Chinese suit company, is hoping to snag Bill Clinton as it's spokesmodel. Wang Zhen, an official with the company, said that they are offering the FPOTUS $2 million, because "Our suits match Clinton's character and personality." Um, this is low, but are they stained? Boston.com / Business / Small Chinese clothier courts Clinton 
  Saving Jessica's Privates The topless photos of Pfc. Jessica Lynch were sold to Larry Flynt by two soldiers that served with her. But, now Larry is having conscience pangs - or a heart attack, he's not sure - and refuses to publish them:
"I purchased them at first with the intention of publishing them, however, I quickly changed my mind and decided simply to keep them out of circulation," Flynt said in a statement. "If Jessica Lynch wants to join the army and see the world, and if she wants to have a good time while she's at it, I'm not here to judge her."
But that's not all. On Hardball last night, he promised, "If she'll call me, I'll give them back to her." Does Larry Flynt suddenly have morals? Or, more likely, is he just looking for a date? Larry Flynt protects nude photos of Jessica Lynch [Yahoo] 
Wednesday, November 12
  Who's Frances? The Washington Post online is congratulating Frances Eckholm Dore on his 100th birthday today. We thought you - like us - might be wondering who Frances is, so I decided to give The Washington Post online a call: SwampCity: Hi, do you know who Frances Eckholm Dore is? WashPost: Wha? SC Well, he turned 100 today, it says so on your front page. WP Oh yeah, we’re having technical problems SC Do you know how it got there? WP We’re removing it. SC Did someone hack your site? WP No, it’s a glitch within the system. SC So the computer just put it up there, or does someone at Wash Post really love old Frances? WP No. SC But someone on your staff put it there? WP Yeah, we’re not sure exactly, we’re fixing it. I think.  
  Not "Just Another Pretty Face!" A good argument for repealing the 19th ammendment. 
  Party Foul "Wesley Clark's campaign aides criticized rival presidential candidate John Edwards (D-NC) on Tuesday for using retired Gen. Henry 'Hugh' Shelton (search) as an adviser. "There's only room for one general in this race. Come on. If there are other generals walking around, what's going to happen to me? No fair," said The General. Clark Aides Blast Edwards for Shelton Role in Campaign [FOX]  
  Kerry Slips The situation at 519 C NE is looking grim. The decline John Kerry's (D-MA) campaign was best explained by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog before Kerry's appearance on The Tonight Show: "Yeah, the Terminator can take over the show, but John Kerry, a war veteran, has to follow a freaking dog puppet." Basically, yes. Kerry's campaign is bleeding staffers and the nominee is bumbling his lines. [Ed. Plus, he's just got to stop wearing leather jackets...] At a recent debate, Kerry claimed to be 15 points ahead of Hillary in the polls. This week a staffer admitted that Kerry "misspoke." Unfortunately, Kerry had been referring to a survey of his staffers. Even sadder - while 55% of his staffers plan to vote for their boss, 40% are hoping the former first lady jumps in and 5% answered: "Other, puhlease." Kerry 'Misspoke' Hillary Poll [Drudge] 
Tuesday, November 11
  'Democracy' In Action Alexandra Trustman responds to criticism of her Rock The Vote question about Macs and PCs:
I was called the morning of the event and asked by the executive producer of the show if I would ask a question at the forum... I thought perhaps CNN's aim in wanting the candidates to answer their computer preference was really a way to breach the topic of technology. So, I constructed a much more relevant question, about how, if elected, the candidates would use technology in their administrations. Once in Boston I was handed a note card with the Macs or PCs version of Clinton's boxers or briefs question. After reading it, I told the executive producer that I didn't see the question's relevance and had thought of one that I would like to ask instead. He took a look at my question and told me I couldn't ask it because it wasn't light−hearted enough."
Mnn. Yes. Nice to see that CNN is trying to reach out to the young - and stupid - people. Now here's the clincher:
Loyalty to my commitment and the opportunity to be involved in Rock the Vote outweighed any criticism I thought would come from the question... I would have hoped that such a liberal student body, from a school that in the very school catalog advocates intellectual freedom, would have reserved judgment on a situation and person it knew little if nothing about.
Brown University, you may be too progressive, principled and dredded to sell out, but surely you can see the dillema for your students. Hmn. Morals and values or free air time? What's a girl supposed to do? Don't Shoot The Messenger [Brown Daily Herald] 
  Male Rednecks Are The New Soccer Moms Great article over at The Detroit News on the redneck vote. Nolan Finley coins the term 'Bubba' to describe the male redneck voting block that has become so attractive to the Democratic candidates of late. He takes Dean to task for simultaneously calling out to bubbas and describing himself as a "metrosexual."
Metrosexuals are the anti-Bubba... These dandies are a quart low on testosterone, favoring french manicures, body hair sculpting and antique shopping with their pals.
Though this subgroup may hold the key to winning back the South for the Dems, Finley warns:
Democrats may not know what they're getting themselves into in trying to win the White House with an army of good ol' boys, as evidenced by the furor Dean raised by even mentioning the Confederate flag... the Dems have to hope that by the time the talk turns to gay marriage, gun control, affirmative action and the war on big trucks, the Bubbas will have passed out drunk on the couch.
With a teetotaler like Dean leading the pack, the chances of that are unlikely.This election year, it's all rednecks, white socks and blue ribbon beer [DetNews] 
  What it means to be an American Dong Resininterviews the the sliver lining on our nation's dark little rain cloud: The USA Patriot Act.
"Surprising thing about The USA PATRIOT act : in person, it's a lot more gregarious and sexy than you'd expect... Far from being an aloof bit of legislation, the kind you might never hear from unless you're some sort of master criminal, Patriot seems accessible... it's not hard to imagine bumping into Patriot in any venue, from dank hipster hangouts, to right on your campus, or even in your home."
Whatever your thoughts on the ol' PA, the ensuing results are justifiably -- albeit with a libertarian bent -- hilarious:
"Nobody thinks I have a sense of humor, dong, it's a real drag. Say, mine is arguably the most ironic name to happen in the history of naming things since "Madonna" or "Great Britain", and people still paint me as some sort of humorless droog. Subtle wit is lost on the masses."
Terrible twos [dong resin's joint]  
  "Wait! Let me see ... NO!" Rep. Jan Schakowsky's (D-Ill.) attempts last week to removeDonald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense backfired when an aide sent a "Dear Colleague" email to all legislative directors, prompting a never ending email war best explained by this response:
Republicans responded with outrage:
"Besides the fact this resolution will be a non-starter and will understandably irk a lot of good Americans of all political stripes, it totally overlooks the value of intellect that Rumsfeld has offered in a town otherwise notoriously bland...That alone is worth a big NO."
Democrats responded to those responses with outrage ad nauseum:
"Are you sure the administration won't call for him to step [down] before this thing can be marked up?" and "AMEN!!"
Once again, we are reminded of the virtues of the private sector, where "reply all" privileges would have been revoked by now. E-mail brickbats assess Rummy and the latest Matrix movie [TheHill] 
  Smear the Hill Jumping on the Hillary-bashing bandwagon, "Terminator 3" star and native New Yorker Kristanna Loken takes a crack at the NY's junior senator in the upcoming issue of FHM. Since she worked with the Governator, FHM asks if she was ever attracted to a politician:
'Physically?' says Loken. 'Hillary Clinton. That was a joke.'" [Ed. If you have to mention that you made a joke, it's because it wasn't funny.]
Seriously, this chic gives upstate NY a bad name:
'At night, when we would be up in the barn loft sleeping, we'd have to cover ourselves, because the bats would [bleep] all over. For the people we didn't like, we wouldn't tell them, and they would wake up with bat [bleep] on their faces.'
She also made a habit of flashing truckers in parking lots. Hmn. Maybe it's not a coincidence that the blonde was ripped from nowheresville to star alongside the gropinator... Zeta-Jones won't stomach Atkins talk [NYDN] 
  Hustle, Dick! Vice President Dick Cheney and White House chief of staff Andrew Card were hustled into a secure location by the Secret Service yesterday. It seems a small plane flew into restricted air space. The plane was intercepted by two F-16 fighters and then escorted to Siler City, NC and searched. That must have been an annoying detour for the pilot. Then again, the map did say "Restricted Air Space" for a reason. NATIONAL & INTERNATIONAL DIGEST [Star Telegram] 
Monday, November 10
  Clark Jumps on the Confederate Pickup Truck Responding to Howard Dean''s(D-Vt.) comments last week rallying “guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks,” presidential candidate Wes Clark noted:
"Well, he shouldn't have said those things. I think all Americans - and this is a joke! - all Americans, even if they're from the South and 'stupid,' should be represented."
He then joshed:
'I also think all African-Americans - and this is a joke! - even if they're from the North and 'smart,' should be shot.'
An underground success [NYDN] 
  Candidate Franken As a "friend" of the late Paul Wellstone and a native Minnesotan, Al Franken is thinking of running against Wellstone's successor, Norm Coleman (R-MN). Said Franken:
"Republicans always say, 'How dare Susan Sarandon and Martin Sheen get involved in politics!' ... Then Arnold showed up and it was 'Oooh! Arnold's running! Oooh! The Terminator!' Well, 'F' you!"
Oh, I can just see the campaign slogans: "And now, deep thoughts: Al Franken. Putting the 'Fuck!' back in politics." As long as he doesn't ever mention Stewart Smalley. But he's not done yet:
"I used to say I'd never run because I'd be a terrible officeholder. Now I don't want to say that, because it would look bad if I ever did run" [Ed. Um, does it change the fact that you would be terrible?]
  American Non-Candidate The American Candidate, Rupert Murdoch's hatchling reality politics show, is back on and waiting to hear back from the FEC. The show lets average Americans compete against each other for president. At the end of the series, viewers vote for a winner who will campaign in the actual election. Wait. Didn't we just do that for the California gubernatorial race? Due to legal problems, the show has been postponed, cancelled and reinstated. The production schedule has forced the winner out of the actual presidential race. Viacom's lawyer, Jan Baran, stated that the “timing of the series would preclude a federal candidacy in the fall of 2004, it is at least possible that a contestant might become the object of speculation as a potential candidate in a real election at some future time.” Right. Because the American public has an attention span of four years. Four years ago, Arnold Schwarzenegger had no chance of becoming the Governator and John Kerry was a realistic presidential candidate. ‘American Candidate’ Back On; FEC Opinion Sought [RollCall] 
  A Big Lie Call 202-A-BIG-LIE Free Republic 
  Paris Hilton Down Under I'm not posting them here, but Fleshbot launched today and they have stills from Paris' illicit video Fleshbot [Fleshbot] 
  Trying To Get That Gig... ...replacing Parker Posey in Partygirl II, Teresa Heinz Kerry hugged a bunch of candidates backstage at Rock The Vote last week. There is still a controversy as to who the hug recipients were (a hug to frontfunner Dean would have been very gauche, but one of the candidates trailing her husband - just fine), but it is certain that she did hug Al Sharpton. She was overheard saying:
"I've got to say hello to my boyfriend."
The lovefest came after the Good Reverend was asked who on the campaign he'd most like to party with. He answered:
'Probably the best person I've met to campaign, to party with - Mrs. Kerry.'
In the candidate's first successful attempt at impromptu humor, John Kerry told Sharpton: 'I was going to choose Carol Moseley Braun, but now I'm going to have to choose you, so I can keep an eye on my wife.'" Money can't buy you brains [NYDN]:  
  Nader whines, Bush wasn't my fault... While in Wisconsin, former presidential candidate Ralph Nader rebuked Democrats for being unable to get over the results of the 2000 election:
"I think the Democrats can be fairly charged with chronic whining, and they ought to look at themselves first and foremost."
Upset that Democrats are still blaming him for Gore's loss, he quickly pointed towards Florida:
"It was stolen from the Democrats. And they should concentrate on the thieves and the blunderers in Florida, not on the Green Party."
After speaking, he quietly wiped the tears from his eyes and asked if anyone had seen his mother. Nader Blasts Democrats As 'Whiners' [Yahoo] 
  That show is still on? Yup. K Street is still plugging along. You can tell it's fiction because there's just no way an attractive woman would go home with Francisco Dupre. Especially when he's wearing a pink shirt. But this week actually had elements other than Francisco's general creepiness. (though it was a main attraction). We delved into the sexual lives of our plucky characters, learning that heterosexuals have Oedipus complexes and lesbians are asexual. James Carville confessed (gleefully) that he married Mary Matalin because she reminds him of his mother. Tommy Flannegan cut to the chase and just slept with his mother (in-law). Then she died. Now we know why the infamous "woman in red" stalks him in his dreams. We are left to wonder why she always wore the same red suit. Was it because she was dirty? Since this was a flashback episode, we also learned why Maggie's girlfriend Gail left her. It wasn't because she was a stalker. It was because she was lame. In fact, their entire relationship seemingly exists to prove that lesbians are people too. Boring people. Somebody's got to work on Maggie's personal life. It's disturbing, but she makes the pact with the devil that serves as the Carville/Matalin marriage look exciting. 
Friday, November 7
  Telemarketing Doesn't Work Howard Dean tried to win back the vote of Rock The Vote audience member Sekou Dilday by calling him at home this week:
"He wanted to personally apologize to me, and said he didn't mean to offend me," Dilday said. "I told him I kind of knew what he was getting at but the verbiage was completely wrong."
Dilday is still undecided about his vote, but said that "it probably won't be Dean." Talk about a PR backfire. Presidential candidate is forced to personally call plebe. And is turned down. Dean probably hasn't felt this bad since he asked that freshman to the prom. Dean engages in tardy politics [BGlobe] 
  Paris Does DC I think Washington DC as a whole is feeling left out of the loop on the whole Paris Hilton front. Since she's not worked up about any political issues and she's not banging anyone in our town, I guess it makes sense. Paris Hilton is totally out of DC's league. We don't have male models or crappy Australian reality show losers or Shannen Doherty's husband for her to bang. Wait a minute. I know I haven't seen any pictures of Shannen Doherty's husband, but I just can’t imagine he's very hot. Paris has low standards. She should get it on with some White House interns. My friend Jon has sent her an email offering her a role in his next film. She will co-star in "Paris Hilton Tape II: Paris in DC" She hasn't replied yet. But she will. 
  Jack Kennedy! A Fraud! Gasp! Sigh. JFK might not have written Profiles in Courage himself! Today in his political Ann Landers column, Cecil Adams - the world's smartest human being - breaks the harsh news that the former presidential hottie probably had someone else write his book for him:
"Kennedy conceived the book and supervised its production, but did little of the research and writing. If you or I were discovered doing the same for a sophomore term paper in sociology, we'd get an F."
Also, daddy got him the Pulitzer. Who knew? Next we'll learn that JFK cheated on Jackie. The Straight Dope: Did John F. Kennedy really write "Profiles in Courage?" 
  House Arrest Mail delivery to House offices has been stopped after USPS tests were positive for anthrax last night. Eleven post offices have been closed. Good luck getting mail today. Anthrax Scare Leads to Closing of Mail Centers in Washington 
  Meow Looks like Susan Sarandon isn't on the best of terms with New York's Junior Senator. Here's what the actress told Index magazine about Hillary:
"Hate her! The only thing she's going to be remembered for is standing by her man, and that is really sad... She turned out to be just another politician, which was really disappointing. I also think she lost a lot of support. I know a lot of people who write very large checks who have told her, 'That's it for us, don't come back.'"
This must come as a surprise to Hil, who is accustomed to saying those words to Bill's girlfriends when they threaten to go public. Sarandon Abandons [NYDN] 
Thursday, November 6
  SWM Likes Recycling and Peace, Seeks Mate The question on the tip of everyone's tongue has finally been answered. Why is Dennis Kucinich running for President? Doesn't his proposed Department of Peace seem like a bad attempt to get crunchy girls in bed? Indeed it is. Kucinich announced in New Hampshire last night that he is using the election process as a means to get publicity for his own version of The Snag Bachelor:
"As a bachelor I can only fantasize about a first lady," Kucinich said. "Maybe Fox wants to sponsor a national contest.”
In what Kerry described as "the first presidential personal ad," Kucinich rattled off the characteristics of his dream first lady. He then said "If you're out there, call me." Looking at a particularly female dominated area of the audience, he waved his thumb and pinky by his face and winked. Candidates meet for the first NH forum 
  Bad Acting Hurts Struggling Economies In other news, the commerce minister of Cambodia has criticized Minnie Driver's upcoming trip to his country, stating that "she can be harmful to Cambodia." Come on, I know Return To Me wasn't exactly Oscar material, but isn't Cham being a little harsh? Yahoo! News - Report: Cambodian minister says Minnie Driver 'can be harmful to Cambodia [CP]  
  Satire is protected...even if it's not funny Last night at the launch party for new liberal think tank The Center for American Progress, Al Franken decided that he doesn't just hate Republicans. At the party he tore into a managing partner at Hogan & Hartson - the firm that represented FOX in the bitch slap contest that was their lawsuit - and then took "numerous and gratuitous shots" at the firm during his speech, instead of promoting the think tank. Luckily, Franken's a "comedian" - ie: no one takes him seriously. “I might have said that the woman who filed the complaint against me was an asshole,” Franken said. “I just spoke in a comedic riff... Satire is protected speech, even if the intended target doesn’t get it.” I'd like this story better if Franken were an aging diva. As it is, he's just not attractive enough to get away with this kind of behavior. Someone should tattoo "I heart Bush" on his forehead while he sleeps. Hogan & Hartson: Lying Liars? [RollCall] 
Wednesday, November 5
  The No Pepsi Zone Personally, I'm still holding a grudge against Bill O'Reilly for foisting the Osbournes on us as Pepsi spokesmen replacements for Ludacris. His boycott of the soft-drink company led them to drop Ludacris last year, which prompted a counter boycott, which distracted Pepsi from the fact that everyone drinks Coke anyway. Today in the Washington Post, blogger Joe Warminsky tracks how Ludacris deals with the pundit on his new album. Whatever he's done, it's got to be better than Russell Simmons demanding that Pepsi apologize to hip-hop culture:
"The latter track is a dialogue between Ludacris and Snoop Dogg about who escorted some less-than-attractive females into the room. According to the rappers, "it was Bill O'Reilly." Snoop follows up with a few epithets, and the song slinks away. It's the hip-hop equivalent of a halfhearted backhand smack. "Blow It Out" offers a smarter dis -- Ludacris tells O'Reilly that he's working on an alternative to Pepsi that will "calm your nerves.""
Silly rapper. Pot is for kids. The Oh, Really? Factor [WaPo] 
  sAve amuricA, Lurn to SpelL The good Reverend mispells Flordia in his Rock da Vote ad.  
  Keepin' it Real In Boston last night, the Democratic candidates reached out to the youth vote. Here's what they had to say:
I deserve your vote because I was once a young person too. And I know what it's like to be young and a person and to think that all the politicians out there are windbags who don't believe in anything. But now I'm a politician and a windbag and I don't believe in anything. And that. Is why I. Need your vote. [Boring candidate here] in '04!
But the kids proved themselves to be serious thinkers, asking such questions as:
"I'd be curious to find out, if you could pick one of your fellow candidates to party with, which you would choose... I mean, we're talking, who's going to be loyal to you?.. If you get sick, who's going to hold your hair back? Second of all... imagine if you were single again. If you see a cutie across the room... who's going to be your wing man? Who's going to take one for the team?
Inquiring minds want to know, Leiberman. Dems Banter on 'Rock the Vote' [DetNews] 
  Energy Secretary Doing Some Dirty Work
"Addressing shocked fellow cabinet members, Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham said Tuesday that he had assumed everyone knew about his roles in numerous 1980s pornographic films."
Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s [Onion]  
  She tried to hold back... But she's Yentl. She just couldn't do it. Barbra Streisand has some choice words this morning for the "Republican spin machine" that got her hubby's show moved to cable:
"This is censorship, pure and simple. Well, maybe not all that pure. Censorship never is... Indeed, today marks a sad day for artistic freedom - one of the most important elements of an open and democratic society."
While the show will be aired on Showtime - untouched save for the people with AIDS deserve to die money quote - the move is a low blow for Barbra. It's taken her long enough to adjust to her cute, but decidedly B-list husband, being - of all things - gasp - a tv movie actor. And then the vast right wing conspiracy threw the final punch - throwing him off a major network. The marriage just might not survive. Barbra is pissed. And she won't take this kind of insult sitting down. A Sad Day for Artistic Freedom [Barbra Streisand] 
Tuesday, November 4
  Mock the Vote II Rock the Vote is in Boston tonight with all nine Dems. Sen. John Kerry (D-NH) and his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry told the Boston Herald [$] that the "nine-way" WH '04 Dem "debates are 'silly,' 'unproductive' slugfests that waste voter and candidate time." Dean responded: 'Oh no. Little Baby's gonna cry?!' Tonight in Boston students are likely to see candidates leaning on barstools instead of podiums and videos emphasizing each candidate's youthful appeal. I don' t know about you, but I just can't wait to see each of Democratic candidates awkwardly playing an instrument to gain the youth's affection. THE FUTURE AT FANEUIL HALL [BGlobe] 
  Shockingly, Americans still shocked by own stupidity Most Americans are unable to identify any department in the United States Cabinet, according to a recent Polling Company poll of 800 adults. 58% of the adults could not provide any department names whatsoever and 70% of those 18-34 couldn't do it either. I never would have thought that a population that has proven itself so stupid so many times in the past could do it again. SHOCKING POLL: A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS CANNOT NAME A SINGLE DEPARTMENT IN THE PRESIDENT’S CABINET [TPC] 
  Miller Time At least one entertainer has some sense about getting into politics. Republicans have been trying to get Dennis Miller to run for office. What's the logic there? 'Hey this guy doesn't hate us. I bet he'd be a great politician.' Unfortunately, that can be enough to get some people running, though I won't mention Arnold Schwarzenegger here. Today Dennis shared his thoughts on his possible run for office:
I don't know. I'm lazy [Ed. man after my own heart]...Barbara Boxer is not a person I'd talk to at a party, much less a debate. Do you find Barbara Boxer inspiring? She's a drag.
And later:
"I'm a crap actor."
True. Hey maybe he is qualified to run. Dennis Miller [Mercury News] 
  Nunesville Suzanne Michele Jensen decided to spend her weekend lounging around Longworth. She snuck into Rep. Devin Nunes' (R-CA) unlocked office Friday night and chilled there until someone discovered her on Sunday. Jensen reassured the staffer "not to be alarmed" because "she was there as security. Perhaps Ms. Jensen would be a welcome addition to help with the security issues the Capitol police have been having lately. Nunes receives surprise visitor [VisaliaTimesDelta] 
  Thank you Leslie CBS chief Leslie Moonves has shelved "The Reagans," claiming the series is "unfair to the Reagans and that even extensive edits had not produced an acceptably balanced portrayal" (read: crappy editing produced even crappier product than intended) CBS pulls 'Reagans' miniseries [Hollywood Reporter] 
Monday, November 3
  Mock the Vote Well, if politicians haven't yet learned that pandering to the youth doesn't work, maybe they will take a lesson from Gen. Wesley Clark. During an ad for Rock the Vote, Clark declares:
"...I am pro-choice and I'm a strong believer in affirmative action -- it's the right thing to do, it works. It's about the American idea of equal opportunity. And I don't care what the other candidates say -- I don't think Outkast is really breaking up. Andre 3000 and Big Boi just cut solo records, that's all. [Bumps fists with young questioner] I'm Wes Clark and I approve of this message" [Ed.- Note to candidates: if something you have done can even remotely be described as "bumps fists with young questioner" deny everything and promptly fire your chief of staff.]
Not that the opposite works any better. While Clark was rolling with his hommies, the host of this year's special, Anderson Cooper, convinced us all that he is not qualified to talk to kids - or anyone.
I don't think of myself as a hip guy. I'm a boring geek in a lot of ways.... As a kid, I thought about being Amish as a way to solve all my clothing issues... Once a year, I make a mad dash for clothes... If I could drink a protein shake for every meal for the rest of my life, I'd be very happy. ... I find it comforting to eat the same food every day. It gives me a sense of order in an order-less universe."
It baffles me that with get out the vote campaigns like this one, kids still don't think politics are cool. 'Boring geek' of CNN beckons young to 'Rock the Vote' [Philadelphia Inquirer] 
  No more years Citing his busy schedule documenting the monotony of his life in journals no one will ever read, Bob Graham(D-FL) announced that he will not be running for re-election in 2004. Here's to hoping Florida's 27 electoral votes are not enticing enough for one of the flailing Democratic presidential candidates to take on the most boring candidate ever as VP. Graham will not seek re-election in 2004 [USAToday] 
  "It’s being edited with a machete.” "The Reagans" is fulfilling its promise to become for CBS what "The Passion" has been for Mel Gibson - except that Mel withheld from portraying Jesus as a mindless enraged homophobe. The whigs at CBS are starting to get nervous about what they thought was going to be a great love story. CBS is contemplating adding a "news supplement" to mix some fact with the fictional elements. Whatever the outcome, we can rest assured that the final outcome will be shoddy programming. The War Over the Gipper [Newsweek] 
  Washington is tops DC may not be as "cosmopolitan" or "safe" as some cities, but when we're good at something, we stick with it. DC has been ranked the Murder Capitol of America! Again!
"One American University criminologist says a review of crime data stretching back to 1960 shows improvement. But some of the best years here are still worse than many cities have ever seen."
Per Person, D.C. Ranks as Nation's Murder Capital [WTOP] 
  It's still Chocolate City on K Street... The producers' apologia was pulled at the last minute. It would have read as follows:
Dear Viewer: We are sorry to admit that we were wholly unprepared for this week's show. Of all people, we were most shocked to see that the series has not been cancelled. We left the camera with James on Wednesday and have been heavily intoxicated ever since. Yours, George Clooney Steven Soderbergh
So what did we learn while the big boys were away? Well, despite being dressed in a designer suit and chic glasses, James Carville still looks and acts like a primate. Tommy Flanegan's wife needs to give him some space to look at porn - and hire hookers. Maggie Morris needs help finishing her sentences. Francisco Dupre needs to figure out what ethnicity he is. Donna Brazille likes beans. At least this week's episode had a moral: The FBI is a total downer. 
Friday, October 31
  Off to see my house egged... I'm officially over my idea to go as a Shimkus staffer. It was so yesterday. Have fun descending on DC tonight... but whatever you do, don't be infront of your tv tomorrow night near midnight. Kelly Ripa is hosting SNL. Spooky.  
  Ain't she sweet? Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA), on the Hill gun-scare: "If this had been a real incident, we would all be dead."  
  Have you seen Rummy's mojo? Apparently Rumsfeld hasn't been watching Austin Powers. He drew a blank when a reporter asked if he had indeed lost his mojo as Time Magazine claimed. At least the Secretary has the good sense to admit his ignorance on the subject:
"I guess the answer is that beauty's in the eye of the beholder. I don't know enough about mojo to know."
But I could do without the Stuart Smalley affirmations... Rumsfeld unsure of missing 'mojo' [CNN]  
  Bright Lights, Big Boobs Good-bye lounge act, hello Broadway. Gennifer Flowers might be on her way to Broadway to star in 'Boobs! The World According to Ruth Wallis.' This classy show boasts a love ballad entitled, 'Bill.' Flowers is understandably excited about the show:
"I really like 'Boobs!'"
Is there anything ex-lovers of Bill Clinton can't do? Page Six [NYP] 
  Capitol 'Misunderstanding' Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL) has apologized on behalf of his staffers for following directions on entering the building. Still waiting to see if the security guard gets canned for being "momentarily distracted" long enough for the "perpetrators" to pick up their bags, walk down the hallway and disappear before he noticed the gun on the screen. Toy Gun Triggers Capitol Shutdown[Newsday] 
Thursday, October 30
  Teddy Smash! When I saw Roll Call's Halloween cartoon this morning, I assumed that Teddy was dressed as The Hulk, but maybe someone just had a premonition about the day's events. Ted Kennedy coming out of an emergency evacuation with no shirt and a gavel wouldn't surprise me...  
  Boo! It looks like the whole Cannon affair was a false alarm. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. And now I know what I'm going as for Halloween. I'm sure I can scare up a pink shirt by tomorrow. Toy gun shuts down U.S. House office building [CNN] 
  Cannon evacuation An unidentified man (...or woman now) ran past security when a gun was spotted in his/her bag. Capitol Police are evacuating the building. I'm sure they'll find him/her straight away once everyone has left the building... Congressional Building Under Lock Down [WSFA]  
  Drink Up SoberRide is offering free taxis tonight for residents age 21 and over. Call (800)200-TAXI from 8P until 4A for a free (up to $50 fare) ride. Is drunkenness a prereq? 
  LOCKDOWN... Rumor has it that Cannon is currently locked down due to an armed man in the building. ...From inside: "We are all just calling each other and saying to lock the doors. I saw cops running up stairs. There's an ambulance between Cannon and Longworth. The Capitol Police are near the southwest corner of Cannon."  
  In the spirit of Halloween  
  It's hard to be the governator In Washington yesterday, Schwarzenegger began to realize that one-liners aren't as effective in governing as they are in movies and campaigns. His staffers began to realize that they will dread his daily departure from the Capitol building in Sacramento: "'I didn't want to say exactly the line 'I'll be back,'... 'But I'll be back many more times.'" Schwarzenegger Walks Softly on Visit to D.C. [LATimes]  
Wednesday, October 29
  Dean outs himself as... lame Intending to appear "with it" to all the "hep cats" in Colorado, Howard Dean declared himself a metrosexual. Realizing that voters might not equate metrosexuality with electability, he waffled breifly and recanted, saying: "I'm a square. I like Wyclef Jean and everybody thinks I'm very hip, but I am really a square, as my kids will tell you. I don't even get to watch television. I've heard the term (metrosexual), but I don't know what it means" Look, Al. Dean likes Wyclef. How can he be anti-black? Dean Courts Wide Spectrum [Denver Post]  
  Maybe Dean is Vermont's Trent Lott After Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-IL) endorsed Howard Dean, Al Sharpton had these choice words: "Any so-called African-American leader that would endorse Dean despite his anti-black record is mortgaging the future of our struggle for civil rights and social justice." Aw reverend, sometimes you say the sweetest things. Howard Dean Defends Record on Minorities [Guardian] 
  Swamp Sights Last night, as usual, Congressman Gene Taylor (D-Miss.) was at The Tune Inn with Ralph Hall (D-Tx.). Rounding out the Miller-Lite trio was Kentucky's Ken Lucas. These three southern lawmakers are about as conservative as Democrats get. Hall voted for Bush in 2000 and Taylor was seen last month at a fund raiser for conservative N.C. Republican Walter Jones. Which might explain their attraction to the bar that sports NRA signage and antler adorned walls. Then again, they might just have a penchant for greasy burgers and cheap pitchers. 
Lie. Cheat. Steal. DC news.

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